Why good days make me tense

In March I settled into my seat on a flight to Spain. I finally felt comfortable. Right then, a cramp started in my stomach.

It came back weeks later at a nice dinner in Mallorca, and again before a trip to the beach. Nothing was wrong. The food was good, the island was beautiful, and the work back home was going well. The cramp showed up exactly when I let myself feel good.

I wrote in my journal that my body seemed to read comfort as danger. I’ve been watching for it ever since.

What happens when something good shows up?

My body braces. Not always in my stomach. Sometimes it’s my head, sometimes my upper back. But the timing is the same: the good thing arrives, and some part of me gets ready for impact.

In May I had a day when, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was good at marketing. I wrote it down right away. In the same entry, I wrote that I was saving it “for the days when doubt comes back.” Then I added two words: “It will.”

Even at the top of the good feeling, I was already planning for its end.

Why would a body treat good things as a threat?

My best guess is that it learned to, a long time ago. Staying on guard made sense once. The reasons are old, and my body hasn’t fully caught up with the fact that they’re gone.

In June I said it plainly in a voice note. I want to be able to take the wins. It’s okay for me to have good days and feel good without also being in pain. I don’t need to be on guard like that anymore.

Saying it was easy. Feeling it has been slower.

Is excitement part of this too?

Yes, and it took me a long time to notice. I’ve touched on it twice this month, once with headaches and once with anxiety. Here’s the fuller picture.

In September, after a bodywork session, the practitioner’s read was that excitement doesn’t land easily for me. It turns into tension, and in the past it often turned into a headache. That fit. I walked out of that session relaxed, and excited without the tension, which was new. I could just enjoy the music in the car, the drive, a drink, and a snack. Small things. They felt big.

About a week later I ordered something I’d wanted for a long time. Right after, the overwhelm started. This time I knew it was excitement, so I paused and let it settle. No headache.

What am I trying now?

The newest thing I’ve caught is quieter. When something good arrives, I jump straight to protecting it. How do I keep this? What could take it away? I’m thinking past the win before I’ve had it. A quiz I took recently put words to that pattern, and it fit.

So the practice is small. When something good happens, I celebrate one thing about it before I let myself switch into protecting it. One moment of “this is good,” on purpose. Then I can plan.

I’m early in this. Some days the bracing still wins, and I’m halfway into the worst case before I notice. But I notice sooner than I did on that flight in March.

The cramp was asking a simple question: is it safe to feel good? More and more, I’m letting the answer be yes.